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Blog: A Post-Election Republican Survival Guide

What Republicans must now do to hold onto their sanity after that closet Muslim in the White House gets another four years to create a culture of dependence.

Okay, your guy lost. Didn’t Anne Coulter tell you he would lose? Are you really surprised?

Let me get this straight. In the aftermath of the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression (never mind for a second that Republicans were the brains behind both collapses) your Party threw its support behind a Wall Street plutocrat with offshore bank accounts and an unrepressed desire to fire people. A man frequently referred to as a “Vulture Capitalist” (not to be confused with a bird of paradise) by his fellow Republican presidential hopefuls. Good thinking. Nice choice.

I feel your pain. The Obama-inspired Caliphate notwithstanding, I’m here to urge you, in the spirit of “just say no,” to look at your political glass as fully half-full, your present as truly not lost, and your future as bright (though possibly solar-powered) and assured. Here, I’ll prove it: Go down to your church, assuming it’s still standing after the Democratic Party’s “war on religion,” and get down on your knees (don’t worry, it’s still legal). Go today. Go tomorrow, and have at it. Pray as long and hard as you want. Nobody, not even America-hating Reverend Wright himself, can stop you!

I may be wrong about this, but if you’re a Republican gal you’ll probably not be forced to have an abortion any time soon. In fact, you’ll still be able to birth as many babies as you please. And isn’t it comforting to know that all of those babies will be covered for pre-existing conditions, and can remain on your health insurance policy until their 26th birthday. I know, your uncle will probably call you a socialist, but isn’t that a small price to pay for all that baby goodness? Say it loud, say it proud—“Obamacare is my healthcare too!”

Quickly now (there may be some urgency to this), go down into your basement or garage or love nest, find that hidden closet—and make sure your guns are still intact instead of having been requisitioned for operation “Fast and Furious.” Remove your trigger locks (you locked them, right?) step outside, and treat yourself to a little Ted Nugent Time. Go on—squeeze off a few rounds. It’s starting to feel way better now, isn’t it?

Taxes, I know, I know. A few of you will pay more. But be honest—how many of you will actually slip into that $250K-plus zone? I mean that’s $250K after deductions (i.e. the deductions that Romney was going to get rid of but wouldn’t tell you about), which means as a couple you’d have to gross something like $300K before you paid one cent more in taxes. But let’s say you wind up having to pay that job-creator, punishing, Obama tax on a net of $300K. The tax rate on your first $250K doesn’t change one bit, and the rate on the remaining $50K goes from 35 percent to 39 percent, which means you’ll pay an extra $2,000 in taxes on a net income of $300K. I know it’s rough. I know you’re not rich. But if you’re not rich at $300K how would you describe all of those people earning the household median income of roughly $50K—at 1/6th your income, does that make them poor?

You’re still not convinced are you? That closet Muslim in the White House who wasn’t even born here, was a flunky in college, was to blame for four deaths in Benghazi but not commended for freeing Libya, with no military deaths and little expenditure, who is secretly shipping all of those auto jobs he saved to China—that abomination has something up his sleeve doesn’t he? It’s food stamps, isn’t it? The Food Stamp President is out of control, creating a culture of dependence.

All right, you got me. Despite the fact that 3 million jobs were lost in the 12 months before Obama (aka “that one”) took office, and several million more jobs were lost in his first few months on the job (ignoring the fact that unemployment numbers are a lagging economic indicator and not the result of his policies), and the fact that all of those unemployed workers were suddenly in need (in a severely crashed economy) of unemployment benefits (that would add to the deficit now, wouldn’t it) in addition to, yes, food stamps. You may have a point after all.

Whatever one’s political affiliation, however, we all can be grateful that Obama’s election success did bring with it several timely and under-appreciated benefits, namely, the resurrection of Etch-A-Sketch as a cool Christmas toy, and the sudden availability in bargain-bins across America of surplus vaginal probes.

All’s well that truly ends well.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

John Goldfarb November 09, 2012 at 04:29 PM
Funny and right on target, Robert.
bbkong November 09, 2012 at 05:19 PM
--> In before the nutbars show up. Well put, Robert, and much more kind than I would have put it. For some, the election results were exhilarating, for others a tragic disappointment, but I would venture that for most it was a long awaited sigh of relief. There's a long list of things we need to work on now, but this election has pushed a couple of items to the top of the list. 1) We need some Federal voting laws. 2) We need to modernize our voting system so everybody has ample time to vote and faith that their vote is true. 3) We need to permanently fix this Citizen's United nightmare.
Robert Defulgentiis November 09, 2012 at 07:15 PM
John - "Funny and right on target, Robert." Well, I caught some flack for this "never mind for a second that Republicans were the brains behind both collapses", which I had to admit was at least open to some debate.........but as I explained, in a piece that is obviously tongue-in-cheek there is a little bit more room for hyperbole and humor. For example, I doubt that vaginal probes are really available in bargain-bins across America...but there is a point there - I hope.
Stephan Early November 09, 2012 at 10:58 PM
Nicely written Mr. Robert.

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